Maybe you have questions about going to therapy. Maybe you wonder how your therapist will approach various parts of you, or some of the things that show up for you when you are asked to be vulnerable. Maybe you think you will need to have it all figured out before you get there, to know exactly what you’re going to talk about and have a laid out plan for each session.
I would love to talk to you a bit about my approach, which I know is one that many counsellors share. To me, it is okay for you to show up just as you are.
Plans are great, and it helps to have goals in mind, but it can also be okay just to show up. We (or you and another therapist) can work together toward what you want for that session or for therapy in general. Same goes for those parts of you that always show up when emotions are on the table. We might call these “defences”. You don’t have to hide these defences, nor do you have to express them alone.
Let’s take two examples of worries you might have coming into session, and I will use them to expand a little further on my approach and to hopefully alleviate some of the worry you might be feeling about showing up to therapy. Ultimately, I would love to communicate to you that it can be okay for you to show up just as you are to therapy.
First, let’s take the example of defences, as they might be elements of your experience and you may be worried about them. So, what are defences? Defences are some of the things that keep us from vulnerability. They also might be called coping stances. They are often responses to stress, are often historical, and intend to protect us. Defences may look like: intellectualizing our emotions and experiences, dismissing, blaming others, placating or people pleasing, being silly/aloof or making jokes, downplaying our distress, being critical or harsh… you get the idea.
I always honour the defences first and then help you move toward vulnerability. Though I will not be critical about some of the things that are coming up for you, I may gently encourage you towards vulnerability. Why? Because vulnerability is a key element of achieving human potential. Change often happens through relationships. Relationships with safe people can become a container that allows for exploration, change, and development, for you and your own emotions. However, real and safe relationships aren’t possible without vulnerability. Vulnerability allows us to expand our ability to tolerate the hard things in life. That is why sometimes these defences get in the way of us experiencing life to the fullest and to realizing our full potential.
Our defences are there for a reason. At one point, they were instrumental in our survival and we want to honour them for what they have done for us. Even when we don’t want to, we need to honour them, because they will not move aside until we have first acknowledged them and understood them. At the same time, we need to intentionally work with safe others (whether that is a therapist or someone else) to move past these defences and experience vulnerability.
So, rest assured. You can bring all parts of yourself to therapy and still be met with compassion, understanding, and care. Richard Schwartz, therapist, author, and founder of the internal family systems therapy model, explains that there are truly no bad parts. All parts of us have good intentions. We hope to better understand these parts and the reasons they are operating the way they are.
Second, let’s talk about not having a plan or strong sense of direction for therapy. For some of us, not having a plan, map, blueprint (or whatever metaphor you want to use) can be so difficult. It might be that you don’t even know where to begin with your story, your struggle in life, or whatever it is that caused you to seek out additional help. Can it be okay if you take things step by step with your counsellor, see what comes up in session, or even work towards a goal or intentions together?
Maybe it feels as though there is nothing to discuss. Sometimes the sessions where someone doesn't know what to talk about can be the most fruitful, as these may be the times when there is not something specific taking up their energy and they have the capacity to dig a little deeper. On the other hand, maybe you don’t know what to talk about because it feels like there is too much going on and you don’t even know where to start. I get that too, and that is why it is so wonderful that therapy work is done through relationship and that it is a collaboration. Your therapist can help you get to those questions you don’t even know are there to ask.
Every part of you is welcome – every concern, worry, desire, hope, and emotion. Come as you are, whatever that might look like today. The rest we can work out together.
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