As I sit down to write this, my fingers poised over the keyboard, I take a moment’s pause to breathe and think. Immediately the mind spins with all the “shoulds” of even penning something into existence.
“How should I start?” “What would be appealing and captivating?” “Who will read it, and will they judge it?” “How real and honest do I be?” “Will it resonate with anyone?” “Is this just a waste of time?”
And on and on it goes.
This minor example of what to do and say in a simple blog post speaks to a much larger and louder experience of wondering how to appear, how to niche and market myself, what to do and not do in business, how much self-disclosure is too much, and how do I advocate for the deepest authenticity in others without fully leaning into my own?
Are you exhausted yet by just reading this?
Welcome to my brain in the most recent months.
I write this now because I know that I’m not alone. The topics that spiral and whirl around our heads may be different, but the process of questioning, not knowing, seeking, and leaning into what’s risky may in fact be quite similar to where you’ve found yourself at times.
As I’ve been reflecting on this experience for myself, I’m coming to recognize that this is part of life. This has to be part of the process of stepping into something new, or what we feel led towards, because none of us have a clue how to walk that next mile of our journey until we are doing it. And boy, does that ever come with some trepidation, eh?!
Stepping out in big and small ways takes a kind of inner courage, or as Brené Brown would say, it requires us to “dare greatly”. We don’t know what will come of that next step, or the 1000 steps after it, but if it means living more fully and authentically as ourselves, then it’s worth it.
For me specifically, the last few months (since about June 2021 to be exact, when I launched full time into my own private practice), have been a lot of back and forth and second guessing what to do next in my business. .
Launching out has been incredibly rewarding, and I absolutely feel like it was the right decision for me, as it’s allowed me lots of freedom, creativity, and choice.
But, there has also been a lot of stagnancy due to insecurity about walking out my purpose in a way that I haven’t really done before, and I’m not just talking about being my own business owner. I’m also considering what it would mean to start creating a coaching/counselling program, and possibly some online courses, maybe even some writing, or speaking, or a podcast in the future. Some big (and scary) stuff that I’ve never done before.
And I’ll be totally honest; the shout of the hustle in our culture (primarily delivered through social media) has at times been so deafening that it causes me to shut down as a result of utter overwhelm at all the ways I feel that I’m not meeting the mark. The “shoulds” of how to be a 6-figure earning, charismatic, polished as glass, full-blown, manifesting boss babe is exhausting!
Yes, your therapist gets hooked by that crap too. It’s unfortunate but true.
What’s more, not only have I been hooked by it, I’ve at times let it become the loudest voice in my head when I’m thinking about how to move forward and what I devote my time, energy, and resources to.
(Insert puke emoji here).
However, because I’m writing this, you also know that I’m aware of it, and as I share in sessions often, we can’t make new choices without first having awareness, so there’s that.
I’m now having to slow down, put my phone away, and come back to what I know.
Thankfully, I feel like I know who I am pretty well.
I also know the journey that I’ve been on to get here, and I’m quite passionate about devoting my life to helping others get to know themselves better as well. I know that my faith, through its seasons of deconstruction and reconstruction, is still my foundation, and I know that I have the advocacy and support of those that truly know me and what I’m about.
I feel like I’m at this precipice, and to take the step that I know I need to into what’s next, means to step out into the unknown, which may in moments feel like free fall. To be whom I feel I’ve been called and purposed to be for others will mean more authenticity, and therefore, more vulnerability.
I don’t know if you’ve been on the internet lately, but those who show up vulnerably in this world seem to sometimes get torn to shreds.
That’s the big fear isn’t it? That as soon as we open ourselves up to receive all the amazing things from life, we also are more susceptible to the wounding that comes from judgment and rejection.
However, to again quote Brené Brown, “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” I realize that although it may be easier to play it small and safe, I also can’t be an empowered advocate for others to know and own their intrinsic worthiness if I’m not showing up with courage.
That is the whisper. It is quiet and internal, and can easily be muffled by the roar of societal expectations... but, when we slow down and get introspective, it is there.
Steady. Tenacious. Strong.
When I listen to the whisper of my purpose I feel most like myself and whom I’ve been designed to be. I feel like I could speak to thousands about their worthiness and potential, if they would only believe in themselves.
Funny how the exact audience that I want to reach and come alongside, are potentially those most like myself in this way. We are lions, afraid if our internal whisper becomes a roar that we’ll be silenced and put back in a cage.
So let me ask you, what cage do you feel is most holding you back right now?
Is it the pace of life? What friends or family might say if you start to change the old dynamics? Is it your own inner critic that tells you you’re a “fraud” and “not good enough” and that “someone else can do it better”?
Yea, I know they’re all there. The peanut gallery of shame and fear that keeps you stuck in the same old, when you know there is still that whisper inside that prompts you for more from time to time.
Why do you think that whisper exists?
How do you make sense of purpose?
I personally wonder about those nudges as a potential way for us to not only expand into more of what could bring us fulfilment, but also what might significantly impact and bless someone else’s life. If that is the case, then how could I not “dare greatly”?
I think about what this means practically, and it may mean an occasional social media or blog post. It may mean creating something for the first time that doesn’t get a ton of exposure or traction, but teaches me that imperfection and learning is okay. It may mean risking that people will misunderstand me at times too, and that one’s hard. The last thing that a vulnerable, creating heart wants is to be misinterpreted to be something that it’s not, but even through that, I would be okay.
I had this very conversation with a dear friend this past week, and I told her that this last piece would be the deep fear that holds me back. My cage, built from what others might think, feel, and say about me, and my own fear of what “failure” would mean to my worthiness.
After sharing this I also caught myself for a moment and said, “But if that were to happen, I would probably address it head on and use that as yet another platform of advocacy for humans who dare greatly.”
She replied with compassionate understanding around my fear and said, “So if you stepped out, got bigger, and received push back, you would then get even bigger?!”
“YES!”
“I can see how that would feel scary for your hesitant parts.”
(This friend is also a therapist)
She went on to say very lovely and encouraging things, as she always does, and it was the combination of validation for the fear, compassion around why it makes sense, and being truly seen by someone who knows me, that softened the edges of that fear.
The reason the “hustle” of our culture feels so misaligned is because we are all desperately hoping that others will see us and deem us worthy. We strive and struggle, we perform and perfect, we clamour and cry to be seen as good enough.
All of this makes sense, and I’m so humbled that the things I know and often say to my beloved clients is also what fits for me, because we’re all human.
As I sit here now I feel calm. I feel a warmth in my chest and just the slightest pinch of emotion in my throat. I feel aligned and like myself, for I also know that the “you are enough just as you are” that I extend to my clients applies to me also.
Precious, valuable, sacred souls are we.
Thank you for taking the few minutes to read this post, and I hope that it resonated with you in some way. If not, that’s also okay. I’m so privileged to let you in just a little bit on my journey, as you gift me so often with being a part of yours.
Let’s not be solo travelers, but companions, as we search for deeper expressions of our true selves. Drop me a line if this feels like you too, as I would love for you to know that you’re seen.
With deepest respect,
Kara Phelan
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